life's an unpredictable journey

fallen

2005-07-18T16:23:00.000+08:00

i've fallen once again. this is the last straw. i can't take anymore blows. i admired steph's courage. her scars were real bad but it was cool. goodbye friends thanks for being there.

lost

2005-07-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

i lost my voice. the last time i remembered i did was in sec 4. it was a week away from the 'o' level oral exams. the brilliant doctor cured me with his medicine in just 3 days. but of course it was costly. i had only communicated through penning down on a notebook. it was so pathetic.

i feel week man.... all i did the whole day was eat, take medicine, sleep. wonder how long it'll take this time to recover.

sick

2005-07-16T12:24:00.000+08:00

woohoo i'm feeling sick again... sore throat again. it must have been caused by the stupid amazing race. it was crazier than last year. at least last year we were told exactly what to do. this year we were left to wander around aimlessly.

the stupid race got all 60 teams running around singpore like this:
1) east cost cycling around-drinking sea water
-playing tennis
-playing golf
2) Gelang Serai-going around buying food from the wet market and taking pictures
3) arthur road-cooking the food and eating
4) singapore deaf association-learning sign language
5) arab street-buy cloth
6) north bridge road-take picture of some coffee shop
7) city hall-taking name cards from public people
-look for the shop with the slogan (for the better things in life)
8) esplanade-taking a bumboat to victoria concert hall and do skipping and hoola hoops.
9) esplanade-take picture with the words (I WAS HERE)
10) Choa Chu Kang Farmart-eat 25 quail eggs
-peel apple skin
-transfer creepy crawly worms with satay sticks
-answer silly questions, running around
11) Choa Chu Kang - Do some structure with straws and strings.
12) Mrt to city hall - make a head gear and flag with the cloth we bought.
13) Benjamin shears bridge-finishing point.

On top of all the basic travelling, our team added more to that. why? cos there was no group dynamics. the team leader did not give specific instructions at all stops. we were told to just run but run where!? wasted alot of time and energy looking for places we did not sit down to discuss on. In the end, we came in 13th. there goes the overseas trip down the drain with the rain.

I would not like to have another chance in teaming with the leader anymore. No structured procedures. got me really pissed off on top of my exhaustion.

episodes

2005-06-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

there had been too many dreadful episodes in my life that i've been trying to forget. however hard i try to erase those bad memories, it seemed as if i'm still creating new nightmares. what the fuck am i doing?

especially so that i've put in 101% effort to burn these nonsense into a writable cd and throw it down the bin, irritating pop ups remind me of those junk shit. i've always thought of 'what if i did die along the road, due to one of the many bloody mistakes that i had made...' when will these 'reality' vs 'wish i could go back to the past and start life over again' knn fucking shit stop spinning in my head?!~?!?!?~

i need to be on the dark side, i'm a jedi, the people need me, i need power, i'm burnung, i'm transforming into darth vader.... i need a clear mind! argh!!!!!!!!!!

trip

2005-05-16T21:41:00.000+08:00

i've been so busy the whole week working my pants off at the workplace, literally spending more than 12 hrs a day doing things that i haven't completed. my head was so preoccupied that i didn't even think much about the holiday trip tomorrow. and because of that, i didn't pack my luggage, realized that i couldn't find my bag, didn't wash my jacket. whatever. my brain juiced has been squeezed dry i can't be bothered about anything else. juz find whatever, wear whatever. if clothes don't try by 6am tomorrow morinng, that's just too bad. i'd wear the ugly ones.

went to the money changer today, changed alot of money. was so afraid of being robbed, i kept having an illusion of someone following, waiting for an opportunity to grab my bag and ran off. and yongjia had to remind me constantly that it's dangerous, i'd be robbed, blah blah. thanks ah. i'd never change money alone ever again man. so freaking stressed.

well, pack to slow-packing my luggage.. i'm leaving on a jetplane, lalala..

again

2005-04-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

I love my boyfriend Yongjia again. I miss him so bad.

death

2005-04-24T21:55:00.000+08:00

yesterday was staff interaction day. the bbq was splendid. ate so much, i've decided to skip my meals for the rest of the week. went on a bowling spree with the staff. madness. they were so addicted to the game, they'd rather spend their quality sleeping hours on throwing money into drains. i was also a victim of addiction.

i've always wanted to know who'd be first at my death bedside. i got the clear answer today. family. despite suffering from poor health and allergies, grandad's willpower to live on, hang on, really touched me. the vivid memories of kitkat, christmas parties, sleepover pajama days, chicken pies, smurfs, organ oldies, story tellings, will forever be locked in that secret place of my heart.

God, I pray you'll take away the painful sufferings. Covert your serene presence in these hard times....

love

2005-04-22T21:17:00.000+08:00

I love my boyfriend Yongjia.

upset

2005-04-20T22:42:00.000+08:00

I unintentionally pissed someone off today. maybe she was just being a bitch. maybe it was me. i don't even fucking know her and she left so much comments on me?!~ but well, don't blame me if i have a prettier face than you do.
I felt so hurt. but if my presence really causes so much commotion then i'd just leave. it's no big deal to me. the main objective is not her. it's God.

I hope things will get better. Just hope she'd grow up faster than she wants to.

5

2005-04-15T13:50:00.000+08:00

I have 5 mosquito bites on my body. It's so freaking itcy. argh....

On mc today. Went to the doc's, waited a freaking 1 hour for my turn. The queue at bishan clinic is always so long! Why is everyone falling sick everyday? Went to buy lunch, passed by a few other clinics, about 5 and all were EMPTY. And the one I was at had to be so crowded. The kind nurse gave me the measuring spoon without me asking. How thoughtful of her. Unlike the expensive clinic! Charge so much yet grumble about some spoon and refused to give.

Ate seafood horfan for lunch, too salty, threw half away. Going to sleep... seh.

happenings

2005-04-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

few things happened these few days
1) swallowed a fish bone
2) knocked my knee and gotten a bruise
3) gotten a mosquito bite on my finger joint
4) coughing non stop during the nights
5) skipped the last dance class
6) cut my hair real short
7) got peed-on on my pants

felt hungry the whole day. ate the whole day through. getting fat. damn.

trinity

2005-04-10T21:25:00.000+08:00

went to trinity today. the service was good. felt that i was back to my home church again. really need time to grow spiritually. maybe i wasn't growing at all in wcc. no one to support or push me. it was quite saddening to stay in a place where you know people and you see them every week but they don't talk to you at all. AT ALL. the feeling is super crap. as if i'm invisible but not that invisible. should i join trinity? go back to wcc? join rach? well... maybe God could give me an answer today, tomorrow or soon...

gave a surprise visit to sweetheart today. i didn't plan it anyway, just had the urge to meet him. had yong tou fu for lunch. why? cos i'm sick again. kaox. sick again? in just 1 month of recovery. maybe there's really something very wrong with me, my lungs, my throat or something. i just wanna be strong. physically, emotionally and spiritually.

birthday

2005-04-09T21:17:00.000+08:00

we celebrated rach's birthday today. it was the first time we cooked up something together. definitely worth the time spent. we watched 'the tale of two sisters' after dinner. although it is a horror movie, i thought it was pretty crap cos i didn't understand the show at all. the show's uncohesive happenings left me super confused.

happy

2005-04-08T23:50:00.000+08:00

It was a lovely estatic day. Spent 12 quality hours with sweetie. Loved the number 7, comedy show, strawberry ice cream, sake sushi, snoozes.

Q is for cute.

流沙

2005-04-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

我以为我早想清楚
不由自主恍恍惚惚又走回头路
再看一眼有过的幸福
爱情好像流沙
我不挣扎
让它去吧我不害怕
爱情好像流沙
心里的牵挂
不愿放下
oh baby 让我这样吧

helpless, pathetic. along came silly face with a red rose, trying to be funny hiding behind a wall pretending to play hide and seek. well, it was meant to be a surprise but it turned out to me that sweetheart was shy... haha...
3rd April unforgettable.
1) number 6.
2) Kway chap noodles, instant plus coffeshop
3) blueberry cheese ice cream
4) surprise x3
5) funny joke of toilet cleaning auntie
6) red rose, sweet card
7) miss singapore
8) nutella bread
9) jack and jill potato chips-chilli
10) yoshinoya

finally had the time to blog this down. well, it's in the heart, it's in the head. writing it down is just a gesture of reminder.

today was a hectic day at work but i felt good. maybe it's the feeling of difference...

....things are happening beyond our control. decisions are made with responsibility and thoughts. outcomes are unpredictable. i'm no professor at consoling nor advise but i'd make it a point to be there for him. A song for the sweetest..

我愿变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信
相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

Why

2005-04-02T11:29:00.000+08:00

Why am I missing him again suddenly. After he dumped me and left me truamatised all in a day, I had to suffer the rest of the 4 months.... till now. I still don't understand what I did wrong. Fuck.

men

2005-04-01T22:23:00.000+08:00

nice handsome caring hardworking responsible men are either married or attached. such a pity.

love

2005-03-31T22:50:00.000+08:00

I was overflowing with love and passion yesterday. So, i decided to store that love in a bottle. So that each time I felt lost and depressed, I could release some of that love from the bottle for myself.

Today I met mond, at our favourite hangout. The words of wisdom he gave: 'If you can take courage to hurt yourself, might as well use the courage to solve your problems'. It made total sense to me today. Thanks mond, for being a great listener once in a while, minus the constant handphone calls.

I saw Sadako outside Hereen today. She looked as if she just got outta a TV set. I didn't dear take a picture of her. I was afraid tonight she might just crawl out of my phone while I snooze. She was the centre of attraction then, many people were taking pictures of her using their handphones haha.... dunno who the heck she is also, and it didn't look like an advertisement campaign....

saturday

2005-03-19T23:20:00.000+08:00

cleaned up the workplace today. met jy for shopping. it was nice to see her again. been on a shopping spree yesterday and today, bought so much clothes, don't know when i'd get a chance to wear them.

met bob for dinner, had big delicious bun and sushi. we were so tired after a long tiring day of work we slept on the journey home.

i don't know why i'm bothering to report fucking details to yj. i'm bloody single and i can choose to date anyone anytime anywhere. since there were disputes about commitments so why am i so fucking bothered? i have never dated anyone who never sent me home. i don't respect people who don't send their gfs home. i just don't. if it bothers guys, then dun talk about taking what good care of their gfs. go be freaking gays.

the things that add up altogether juz pisses me off no matter how hard i try to be merrier. the 2 faced hypocrites shit at work, fucking bothered yj stuff, depression stunts, harassment calls... when i can take it no longer, i'd really fucking end it. juz wait for these people who are making my life difficult feel guilty for the rest of their lives cos i'm gonna be around to haunt them in their dreams and their darkest moments.

class

2005-03-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

Went for class today, coach was absent. There was a replacement teacher and she was hot. I can breakdance! YooHoo.

Gotten harassment calls today. Sickening guy. I think he's psycho. If you're a policeman and you're reading this, please advise me what to do, like can he be given a warning signal by the police? Or I should juz get his home info and stuff and get my gang members to wallop him. Or I should ignore any calls that are unfamiliar. Or I should divert my calls to woodbridge or police station or anyone else.

Don't mess with me. I can turn psycho too.

Pls leave me some suggestions dear readers.

suicide

2005-03-13T12:58:00.000+08:00

Woke up last night at 2am, couldn't sleep again. AGAIN~! After wetting half my pillow with tears, decided to watch tv. Only soccer was on.

Suicidal thoughts kept going on in my head. It takes only $1 and 100% effort to end it all. $1 for penknife, new and clean, 100% effort to hurt myself.

Goodbye blog, this might be the last day I'd be here.

swimming

2005-03-12T15:34:00.000+08:00

Went swimming just now, gotten an unintentional tan. Darn. Had the usual stuff for lunch. Feeling tired and lethargic. Don't feel like going out. Treated myself to a facial mask. Very cooling and relaxing. Shoik.

I was humming to a song when suddenly it broadcasted on radio. Coincidence or psychic?

What shall I do later........

Dinner

2005-03-11T23:55:00.000+08:00

I had a fabulous sumptuous dinner. BBQ chicken wings, satay, hokkien mee, popiah, sugar cane juice. Feeling the sore throat again. Damn.

I was at the workplace when my colleague saw the bookmark and commented that it was from my sweetheart. I hadn't thought about it! Yeah, it looks like a sweetheart and it was from sweetheart~ Cool.

I had another surprise today. I feel so lucky, having 2 surprises in a week. But I spoilt my own surprise. Silly me. It's another sweetheart. Now I have 2 pieces of sweetheart off sweetheart. Cool Cool.

Detest

2005-03-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

I detest my new immediate boss! She's idiotic. A YAYA PAPAYA. She expects changes overnight. She's cocky. I don't like her at all.

Sweetie was very upset today over the computer thing. Glad I didn't make it worse by going out to enjoy myself with my favourite music. WHY WHY why am I so considerate and nice. People take advantage for shit's sake. Whatever.

class

2005-03-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

Billie gave me a cute piggy handphone chain. ADORABLE! It's our friendship piggy...

Went for class, learnt alot today. Coach was very very sacarstic. Something he said that made me wake up a little.. 'As if your boyfriend dumped you and you don't care! Don't be a sissy! Be aggressive!' 'Be the UMMP and AHHP! NOT lalala I love ballet...'

Enthusisatic about the upcoming picnic and diving class....

dream

2005-03-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

I dreamt again last night. I don't know why I keep dreaming nowadays. It's bad, I wanna rest. I dreamt of him, him bullying me, I cried very badly. Maybe that's the only way to release some hurt inside of me-by crying in my dreams....

Ate alot today, I wasn't hungry but I kept eating. I feel like a glutton.

Can't believe it's Wed again, the motivational class tomorrow. Looking forward to it, hoping to enjoy some of myself.

2005-03-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial....

Still thinking alot... sigh. I wanna drown in my own sorrows.. I want beer.

confused

2005-03-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

I had a dream last night. It was of him...and he was the huai dan. The police came to catch him. I woke up.

I feel confused. Am I in or out? Is it yes or no? Correct or wrong? Continue or not? Go for it or wait? Maybe it's this but maybe it's that.. I dunno. Yongjia made me confused. Extremely.

Skipped breakfast and lunch, went to the same place, seeking comfort for myself, from myself. The wind was strong, I couldn't stay for long. Had overdued hello panda, been keeping it for so long, decided to finish it up today.

Had dinner with cb and steph at Sake Sushi, fantastic. Also treated myself to the green tea Hagen Daz ice-cream I'd been longing since a long time ago. It was expensive. Felt that we could relate some problems together. Great friends. Bought a book later, gonna read it now....

Hope tomorrow will be a better day, not so stressed up over nothingness.

Normal

2005-03-04T22:23:00.000+08:00

It was a normal day, just like any other days, busy.
Met Di for awhile, still thinking alot...
Anywayz, I shall pack my freaking messy room tomorrow, and have a fun time tomorrow evening...
In the meantime, I shall continue slurping my very yummy ice cola from Mac's.....

cut

2005-03-03T22:41:00.000+08:00

Gotten a cut on my hand again. Whatever. I'm so prone to these things.
Time seems to whiz me pass. I've hardly done anything and it's gonna be another day.
Saw a quote on CNA just now: 'Patience is the key to contentment'. That's something I gotta adopt.
Watching Tv is a priviledge, it has been a long while since I've sat down to on the sofa watching a 30 min programme. Anyway, there's nothing interesting nowadays.
I miss him...

Class

2005-03-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

The motivation class was fun, but the teacher was fierce today. He was quite sarcastic though. Wanted to buy delicious food for sweetie but sweetie insisted a no. So, tooooo bad, opportunity only comes once.

Rested the whole day, didn't do any business deals. Thought about many things. Many uncertainties in my life. I feel lost, depressed. Why can't I get a definite answer? Why can't I have things my way now? Why am I so bothered about what others think? Why can't I be persistent in my own decisions? When will I get my life settled the way I want it? When will I sit down and plan goals for my life? Now? Later? Soon?

I've decided to do something constructive every day. Be it big or small. It'll start today....

I was standing all alone in the world outsite......

Sianz

2005-03-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

It's just emotions taking me over....

Very busy day. Agitated easily. Skipped lunch, no appetite for it. Sianz. Met Bren at the usual hangout place, had free pretzel, silly salesman didn't even collect the money, so blur. Bought tracks, nice but not practical.

Looking forward to tomorrow's motivational class. Finally resting tomorrow. I shall do some business deals at home then...

Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song....

long day

2005-02-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

It was a long long day.

Hurt my hand again. Same knuckle spot, same mistake. Silly me. Kept tripping while walking, so embarassing.

Went for dinner at Spageddies, nice spaghetti, nice float. Been eating too much lately my stomach hurts. Really painful. I'm such a pitiful girl. Have to take care of myself. No one ever taught me how to do it, I had to be strong myself, all by myself.

Couldn't get the hp for mum, the singtel queue was 1.5 hrs long! Can you beat that? On a mon night at 815pm! Crazy people buying phones on a monday night, too much money too much time, don't need to work. Stupid, plain stupid.

Intended to buy supplements for Godma and me, ended buying 3 bottles instead cos the salesgirl was pushing it. But it was a good deal, gotten 3 bottles for the price of 2 plus membership card. Brilliant, that's what women do all the time: buying things that they don't need just because it's cheaper. Anyways, what shall I do with the extra bottle? Maybe I'd pass it to cutie. Maybe I'd pass it to mum. Maybe I'd eat all and die of over supplement of supplements. Craps.

Long day. Don't know if I should stay home tomorrow or wonder around again... or sign up for exam. Sigh, still feeling stupid.

stupid

2005-02-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

I feel so stupid. Wisdom. Does wisdom come from the heart or the head? Why am I so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I allow myself into depression again. WHY WHY WHY! Fuck.

A moment to remember

2005-02-27T13:39:00.000+08:00

I have been having 2 dinners each night for the past 2 days and I think it's madness. Eating non stop, feeling kinda sick of food.

Good start for the day, went back to the workplace to clean up, hate cleaning up but I love my job, so, have to keep the place presentable. Bought a new stylish handphone after work, so nice, but I don't really know how to use the features.

Met sweetie, had fish & co. for dinner, it was my first time having the seafood platter, delicious. Saw some SDU clients there, think they looked outta place. haha, but it was fun observing them.

Stupid chewing gum, caused a bump on sweetie's hips. NO CHEWING GUMS for him anymore. So careless, so slow motion.

Watched 'a moment to remember' at 115am, madness again. The show was damn touching!! Way better than 'my sassy girl'. Cried alot, discreetly. Super sad show, I'd remember it for a long long time. Or maybe I'd just buy the vcd and watch it over 100 times. Yah, that's a good idea. Wonder what will happen if I was like the pretty girl in the show, will I be as fortunate as her as to have such a committed perservering husband? Sigh... many things I can't forget, many things I can't forgive. Sometimes I really wished that I'd be seriously ill, be able to see who's really the caring one before I die. Yah, dying early is good, suffer lesser.

Acted as Sadako last night. So stupid. I'd never do it every again. I promise. It was terrifying.

Wrong

2005-02-24T23:41:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's wrong but I felt weird today. I guess my immune system is down once again. Felt like vomiting the whole day, serious bad stomach aches.

Didn't see the girl at the bus stop today. Maybe I was late. Ya, I woke up late. Felt uneasy the whole day, had a long meeting in the afternoon. Craps, didn't manage to finish up my work.

"I've got peace like a river, I've got joy overflowing, I've got love everlasting in my heart, in my heart".... Do I, really?
I've stood in too long to believe in love. Love. Big word. No expectance, No looking forward to anything. Just resting and recuperating physically, emotionally.

23rd Feb

2005-02-23T23:28:00.000+08:00

23rd Feb is an eventful day. First of all it's bei day. It's also the church's anniversary, picnic day, new class day.

I had tremendous fun at the picnic at the Botanic Gardens today. The running around, the circle time, the handkerchief game, the food, the sharing. Most important agenda of the event was friendship, love and care. The documentation work really captured memories and I'm pretty sure it'll last for a long time.

It was the start of a new class. Skipped dinner, no time for it. Worked out alot, enjoyed and had fun. I'm looking forward to showing off my skills to the world. Hahaha. Can't wait for next wed.

Hot weather, perspired alot, worked out alot. Worn out.

Accident

2005-02-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

I'm so accident prone. Darn. Once again, cut my hand today, knocked my knuckles and thumb on the cupboard, snapped a rubber band on my forefinger, hit my left leg against a partition. It was so bloody painful.

It was blazing hot today.

Dinner was good. Strawberry milkshake, prawn takopachi, porridge, carrot juice.

I want sweetheart.

fate

2005-02-20T16:26:00.000+08:00

Some people are so freaking fated to meet. Met Joanne at the beach yesterday. Come on, she stays in the same block as me, never met her for a long time, and of all places, while cycling past each other.

Every morning without fail, I'd meet this girl at the bus stop. She was from cj. I've seen her countless times since the jc days. Saw her on the bus again at 345pm just now. On a Sunday afternoon! COME ON. Just like Vin's cousin. I always take the same bus as her. Anytime of the day, I'd bump into her. The most amazing thing of these, I don't know these people and I don't talk to them. However, I had the urge to approach the cj gal just now to talk, since we meet so often, might as well become friends. Where are the fated guys? Why haven't they appeared? I only meet girls. Maybe I should turn homo. Yah. Not funny.

Fate fate fate. Fate paves opportunities. We determine outcomes.

AYE....! A big cute tortoise. A pleasant surprise this morning.

beach

2005-02-19T16:13:00.000+08:00

I've given up waiting for him. Given up totally. He wasn't even bothered. I'm out of the dating game. For a long time.

Went to the beach, it was extremely hot. I was burnt. Tanned, finally. Left some sweet moments there.

1. Riding around, balancing, almost falling off.
2. Jetty
3. Photo takings: shadows, siloutte, sea, hot face, grasshopper, spider.
4. Middle finger pointing
5. Aeroplanes
6. Macs-ice cream, milo
7. 7-eleven-vitasoy
8. Sand message
9. Sugar cane juice
10. Laying on the beach counting countless stars.
11. Mentos, Ricola
12. Straw star
13. Fireworks

The best part, a perfect grasshopper.

Lin YongJia eating the grasshopper bit by bit.

The perfect heart.

Dream

2005-02-19T11:07:00.000+08:00

I dreamt im the night before. Him and the impossibles. He doesn't want to make promises yet so, that leaves my dreams to remember.

Last night I dreamt of death. It was very sad. But people around were laughing. I was furious. I would treat the person much much better after the dream. It was so real.

Why do I keep dreaming these few days? I've been so exhausted my brains shouldn't be working during rest. And when I really have time and strength to dream, it never comes. Well well.

Going out for another walk at the beach. Hope I'd be refreshed.

Stressed

2005-02-15T21:31:00.000+08:00

Finally understood the meaning of stress. I've never experienced so much stress in my life before. My brain secretes stress juice every minute, making my head hurt very extremely much. A million and one things to do in 24 hours is definitely not enough. Now I understand why people skip meals unwillingly. They would rather not waste time eating or watching tv than to complete their work satisfactory. It was only when I got the stomach pangs that I felt it was really time to eat. I almost skipped dinner, couldn't make time for it.

Really stressed with work load, submission datelines, responsibility ( MAJOR), environment. I feel so numb. I'm a walking zombie. Unwantedly missed the date with bren, I think she was pissed off with me. I really didn't want any of these to happen. Thanks to the environment. Thanks for pushing me.

Valentine's

2005-02-14T21:16:00.000+08:00

Valentine's was great. At least I didn't spend it alone. Fish and co.'s set dinner was nightlight robbery. Business people are scheming. They take the opportunity to cut a hole in your pocket. I would not like to be one of them, cheating other people's hard earned money to make more profits. It's sinful.

Well, settled for pasta, wasn't appetizing. Watched seoul raiders, was hoping it would be a nice show, well, I guess it was not worth the bucks. Love chocolates, have to resist it for now, so that leaves me to staring at the hershey's I received from sweetie. Although sweetie's gift was simple, I liked it.

Finally understood the cliche sentence of 'the more you love someone, the more you will get hurt'. It's hard to explain how I felt about love but as much as others tell you about it, it takes oneself to understand it.

Doctor

2005-02-13T18:01:00.000+08:00

Met billie after church today, sign up for the professional course. Thrilled, went shopping for clothes, couldn't find any suitable ones, so I guess I'd have to continue looking around next week. Ate yong tau foo soup for lunch. Billie's so naggy, like my mum and cutie. Can't eat chicken macoroni, no chicken rice, cold stuff is out, fruits make you cough, fried stuff dream on... well, all of them care very much for me. They're nice people. Orh... they love me so so much. I'm happy. =)

Went to the doc's, paid for very expensive medicine again. Overpriced clinic. I managed to squeeze the measuring spoon from them this time, although the sickening nurse kept nagging. Who cares man, I want the spoon! Wanted to take a cab home, noticed that taxi drivers don't want to earn my money, carried heavy groceries, took bus home.

Tons of planning to do, laundry to wash, packing and tyding up. Tata.

Shopping

2005-02-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

Woke up very late in the afternoon today, went shopping with Sue in town. She bought alot of stuff. Looking at the way she spends her money, I feel so so broke. Had chicago cheese cake and hot chocolate at coffee bean during our break. The cheese cake was fantastic. I will buy 5 slices and eat them in one shot once I recover. Couldn't drink cold drinks, so no ice blended for me. No chocie but to settle for hot chocolate. Yummy.

Met cutie later in the night for dinner. The fish noodle was horrible. Yucks. I would never again purchase noodles that cost $3.50 from the fish stall located at scotts food court. Had fun watching the street magician along orchard road performing his stunts. He was funny, the audience was not responsive. Once the performance was over, half the crowd was gone. Which Singaporean would appreciate and would want to dig their pockets to donate to a street performance when they could stroll down to the nearest MOS burger outlet to get a strawberry milkshake? Honestly.

Went to take the Lovegety card at Hereen, the shots were so fast, we looked so dumb in all.No choice, had to pick the best 2. The picture was lovely. I wanna keep them both!

Exhausted

2005-02-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm terribly exhausted. Worked a straight 10 hour shift, went for dinner at Sue's. She cooked up a yummy healthy pasta meal. Had a little bit of prata after that (couldn't resist the temptation, just have to take more cough syrup after that). Fell asleep for an hour while she was watching the tv. Felt really bad, but sorry Sue, I was exhausted.

It might have been the lovely date at the beach yesterday that stole all my energy away. It had been a long while since I last went to the beach for a walk. Last night was memorable. I would never forget the carrot juices, mentos, bus rides, tram rides, photo takings, strolls, mango slurpee, merlion, shooting stars, ships, 1 dollar telescope, shaky bridge, twin towers, vandalism, video taking, etc. I hope you won't forget too. P=)

Cough

2005-02-10T11:36:00.000+08:00

Got up a million times last night to cough, pee and drink water. Was coughing so badly this morning my lungs almost burst. Every minute I cough, I struggle to catch a breath. Mucus kept running down my nose and my eyes couldn't stop producing tears-they're getting terribly red.

Got scolded by my dad and mum for coughing so badly. To lessen my coughings being heard, I had to cover my mouth using the pillow, cover with my shirt and had to hide in the toilet to cough. Hello people, I'm suffering here, I didn't want this. Stop scolding and blaming me for my poor health.

Had plain porridge with salt. What a perfect start to celebrate the 2nd day of Lunar New Year.

Reunion dinner

2005-02-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

Reunion dinner was terrific. Had porridge, a cup of water and the tv. Alone. So sick I didn't join my family at my granddad's house.

Went to this 24 hour clinic at bishan. They exploited my money, refused to give me the measuring spoon for the cough syrup and said it was for kids. Why can't I have the spoon? So what if i'm childish, I paid alot for the consultation and I need it to measure 10ml for takings. I could have paid the same amount and went to the hospital for an xray or something. But then again, the hospital queue is extremely long.

Have to take my medication now. Happy reunion to I, me, myself, Rm. Night.

Again

2005-02-08T13:57:00.000+08:00

I'm officially sick again. Again. I've merely recovered for 2 weeks. Coughing non stop. Nose running quite badly. Eyes hurt alot again. I hate medication. I don't want to see the doctor again. Guess there'll be no goodies for me this CNY. Darn.
On the brighter side, I sound sexier.

Finally got emotional enough last night to release some sadness. I still can't get over those things that happened in a flash, leaving me crushed. Guess I did feel better after last night.

Gong xi fa cai, hope I'll get more ang paos this year, to cover up for the disadvantage of not having to munch on other people's goodies. haha.

Time Off

2005-02-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

Was feeling empty today again. Went back to the old place, seeking for solace. It used to be my favourite hangout (stopped going there 5 years ago), alone and away from everything else. A place for thoughts and sanity. Many memories, pleasant and unpleasant. It is the best place to go to when I need some time off for myself.

Sorted out some thoughts. Felt better anyway. Had hot chocolate at starbucks later, read a book. Alone. That's what I need now. Alone.

Received Cute Tortoise today. Surprised (acting to be). Hung it on my wallet, so that each time I took out my money (all the time), I would be reminded of the sweetie who gave it to me.

ANGRY

2005-02-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

I was so dressed up for the date with Lin Yong Jia today. He didn't turn up. Very ANGRY!!! Minus 99 points. If Yongjia you're reading this, i'm very upset.

I want 22 tortoises! I DUN CARE!

saturday

2005-02-05T15:24:00.000+08:00

Had to work today again. Woke up late again. Took a cab again. Waste money again.

Cough cough cough. All I know is cough. Stupid weak throat. Make me wake up at 1am in the morning.

Had a nice time talking crap with my colleagues though. They were funny. Going on a date later. Yahooooo.... Hope it'll be nice.

I like routines. They make me feel secure. I want a routine and predictable life. But it's the opposite. I don't care if I'm boring. It's my life. I would love to meet people like me. Good luck to myself.

bruise

2005-02-05T02:53:00.000+08:00

Met RM on Thursday for dinner, had chicken chop rice. Had a good talk, finally. Felt as if RM really understood what I was going through. I feel so lonely, sad, tired.

Looked at myself in the mirror. Couldn't find the bubbly outgoing old me anymore. I look matured, as if I have really grown to become more womanly. I'm getting old. Maybe I've be sulking too much lately. Can't accept that fact. I was made to grow up too fast. It was the environment. I didn't have a choice. No one my age thinks like me. I can't relate to anyone. Maybe I really think too much, whether it's good or bad I don't know. I might be way ahead preparing for my best, I might be taking things too fast for myself at this age. Felt so stressed in doing everything. Can't take it. My head hurts really terribly.

Was supposed to meet billie and the rest for a drink at bq. Fell asleep and only got up at 1am. Sorry, missed the appointment.

burst

2005-02-01T20:36:00.000+08:00

I'm nice, too nice. People take advantage of me. I'm gonna be mean. Really mean. I wanna take advantage of other people too.

I've been thinking so much that my head is gonna burst. ARGH!!!

busy

2005-01-31T20:53:00.000+08:00

I was so busy today, I had no time to rest at all. Felt as if my brain juice was being sucked up so that I could continue breathing through my mouth. Thirsty the whole day, didn't have the time to stop to drink. Gonna have sore throat soon. Everything has to happen at the same time every second of the day. I feel so Kan Chiong. Like as if every one of my muscles twitch, making me feel and look funny everytime my heart beats. I hate that kind of feeling.
Good night busy day. Please allow me to sleep.

Cycling

2005-01-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

People are like jigsaw puzzles. They can only look correct if they are fitted with the right one. Especially couples. If guy is too tall and girl is too short, they can hardly see each other, less so fit their hands together at a comfortable length. Big hands would crush small hands, small hands hardly long enough to lock into big hands. Maybe God created us in such manner, so that physical appearance would have already proved attachments. Well well sigh.

Went cycling today, was concentrating so much on the road that I only took a few quick moments glancing at the scenery. Managed to take some time off for relaxing myself. Cycling is a strategic activity. It kept my mind occupied for some time. Trying to think of the next move how to avoid crashing into people who are trying to bang into me at all times! But anyway, I enjoyed the breeze and sound of the wind blowing across my ears. It was soothing.

Exhausted finally. Really need good sleep.

sleepless

2005-01-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

Sleepless again. Slept for 3 hours this time. Went to bed at 1230am, got up at 145am, couldn't get another wink till about 4am. Got up at 7am to go to work. I was late and had to take a cab. Waste money.
I was damn tired at work. Luckily there was nothing much to do. Only cleaning up the stuff at the workplace. Was abit nervous about the hot date later in the day but I anticipated it....
Met up with YJ, watched 'Kinsey', extremely funny. It was fantastic. Had dinner at 'Yoshinoya', didn't eat much. Only ate 1/3 of the food, but finished the salmon of course. Tongue hurts, dunno why.
Can't sleep can't eat. I'm gonna die. Yes, I pity myself. I have been wallowing in misery. I just can't take my mind off the depressions that I experienced one after another. I seeked better days soaring high above into the skies but disappointedly fell into the deepest of valleys, oceans and seas. Why why why. I don't know. Just allow me to pity myself for enough time.
It was a long day. My eyes hurt very very much. I enojoyed myself. But I'm still depressed inside.

Eeyore

2005-01-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

Wasn't supposed to have any dinner tonight. Mum was not cooking and everyone else wasn't free.. But managed to catch someone though... ate salad for dinner. Not at all into salads, but to maintain body size, i'm trying extremely hard. Wanted to get the Eeyore toy very badly. It's so cute! Eeyore's so sad and slow... just like me. Don't believe in getting cute toys for myself. Why? Coz it's quite meaningless to look at the toy and think of yourself and how you got it. Anywayz, the kind soul got it for me! SOOOOOO happy. =)
Watched "Neverland" last night. Quite happening. Haven't gone out so late on a weekday for dunno how many donkey years already.
It was a bad start today. Haven't seen anyone so violent at such a young age before. It looked as if he was possessed. He had so much hatred in him! Honestly, it was really bad. Unbelieveable. I was quite mad. Well, brightened up a little towards the end of the day though. Thanks to Eeyore!
Good night long tiring unpredictable day. See you tomorrow.

tired

2005-01-25T01:25:00.000+08:00

So tired tired tired. Slept at 1230am last night, woke up at 330am. Really hate my sleeping habtis. What's wrong with me! Went for breakfast at 530am at the prata house with bh. Prata was too salty, milo was too sweet. What's wrong with the people man....
Got to work at 745am. Reached home at 7pm. Worked a straight 10 hour shift! Slept till midnight, woke up, had cold dinner, check email, blog, sleep. Tired.

simple

2005-01-23T23:08:00.000+08:00

Wasn't life supposed to be like the illustrations in movies and books? Gal lives life the way she enjoys, meets her handsome guy, falls in love, does romantic stuff together, live life together, be happy, die together.
Reality: Gal looks for love in the guy she likes. Guy does not content in the things he has. Looks for satisfaction in a higher level. Galfriend juz a gal next door, looks for prettier babes, more happening, more matching to his character. Got a comfortable salary, looks for higher paying job to buy more unnecessary luxurious goods. Bottom line-never satisfied with the simples of life.
Simples of life to me:
1) getting a job that I enjoy, as long as I don't drag myself to work everyday.
2) being happy with everything, everyone.
3) sharing life, good or bad, with juz 1 man.
Once I earn enough money, or if I ever turn into a billionaire overnight, I will fly myself to Africa, build homes for the homeless people with my own hands, educate and share life experiences with them. That's the simple satisfaction, self-fulling part of life I seek. Firstly, I'd be satisfied with everything I have, don't have to work harder for anything else. Secondly, I'd be an important part of changing someone else's life and making it more comfortable. Won't that be so very nice?

Well, it was a tiring day today. Went on with the normal stuff I do on Sundays, did shopping, phone had to ring on my way home. Call from the workplace. Was told to go down immediately to clean up the place due to renovations. Stupid rich boss. So fickle minded. Second time we are doing a major clean up. This time was because she chose the wrong colour scheme. There's more to come! Silly rich people. Spend money on the expense of other people's hard work-packing and unpacking, decorating and undecorating.
So tired now. Have to carry on with some more planning work....

workshop

2005-01-22T20:50:00.000+08:00

Got up at 230am last night... couldn't get back to sleep for a really long while. I have a serious sleeping problem and I should be going to the doc's to get some sleeping pills soon.

Got up early today, went for a whole day's workshop, waste of my time cos I went before already and the company sent me again cos they had no one else to send. Met billie again and went to the same shops again and looked at the same stuff again BUT bought some stuff today... got a sexy top! Woohoo... i'm gonna be sexy!~

Ate Mac's for dinner... got chicken stuck in my new wisdom tooth, really painful. Got a free drink with courtesy of SPRITE. Too gasy so couldn't finish it. Was so tempted to pay $8 for japanese omelette but thought it was way too costly so had to resist temptation.. headed home after missing the omelette, reached bishan, maneuvered past those PRUDENTIAL insurance agents who are forever there, reached home, blog, sleep. PEACE.

rotten nut

2005-01-21T10:58:00.000+08:00

I'm a rotten nut in a peanut shell. Going unnoticed to everyone. Feeling shit right now. Don't even know what to do to make myself feel better.
Couldn't sleep again last night.. what's new.. been breathing through my mouth the whole night.. stupid blocked nose. My gums are aching so much. Feel like scratching them with my fingers so that the wisdom tooth can just show itself. Does wisdom really come with painful experiences?

It's happy birthday to mum today... going out for dinner later. As much as I can't bring myself to smile, I'd try my very best today, to make it her day... Going shopping with billie first, an opportunity to grab a last minute pressie for mum...

horrible day

2005-01-19T18:45:00.000+08:00

As if me missing the appointment with Billie last night and me making her wait for an hour while I was lying in bed almost dying wasn't bad enough. Had a scolding from her over the phone, and had promised to treat her to an expensive dinner soon. It's bye bye to savings... sobz.
Couldn't sleep the whole night again, tossing and turning in bed. Woke up this morning, didn't have breakfast, got to work just on time. Wanted to greet my fellow colleagues good morning, no one looked at me. I knew something was coming up.
Had a child vomit into his bowl while I was holding it. It was watery and disguisting. Had diarrhoea after that. Felt that I could puke out my organs yesterday? No. It's time to force it out down into the toilet bowl today. It was terrible. Then, I got called into the office, got a terrible scolding from my boss. I got sent home to rest. Was told not to spread the germs to anyone else. Apologised to colleague and was told not to be sorry?
Argh! I feel a thousand needles poking into my back and that my brittle spine was gonna break if anyone touches it. And on top of feeling terrible, I got the bonus of a horrible day. Bad day. Horrid day. Stupid day. Sucky day.

sickly

2005-01-18T06:15:00.000+08:00

I couldn't sleep the whole of last night, my nose and eyes were running non-stop. Feeling so lathargic today. I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked anerexic. Felt as though I could puke out my internal organs through my mouth if I sucked in my tummy hard enough.
Went to the doc's with my bro, had duck rice for lunch. I felt for the first time in my life that eating was such a chore. While forcing food into my mouth, couldn't help but stop to think of him...him and his cheesy excuse for a breakup while I had given so much.
Slept the whole day. Feeling so sickly and weak now. Can't wait to recover. Can't wait to be happier again.